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The Types of Dog Barf:

  1. Yellow Urka-Gurkas: Dog runs around the house and hides under furniture while making a prolonged "uuuuuurka-guuuuuuurka, uuuuuuurka-guuuuuuurka" noise. Note: this noise is the only thing guaranteed to wake up a true dog lover who is hung over from a post dog show celebration at 3:30am. After mad scrambling to capture the dog and drag him outside, the episode ends with an indelible ten-yard line of limy yellow froth from the living room rug to the back door.
  2. Ralphs: Apropos of nothing, the dog strolls into the dining room and waits until the dinner guests are all watching him. Then, with a single, deep, gut- wrenching "raaalllf", disgorges the entire week's contents of his stomach on the dining room rug. Variation: Then he eats it.
  3. Blap Disease: Dog exercises hard and (a) eats large mouthfuls of snow (Winter Blap Disease) or (b) drinks a bucket of water (Summer Blap Disease). Within two minutes of returning inside, the dog spews out large amounts of clear, slimy liquid while making a distinctive "Blap" sound and sharp percussive noises as it hits the linoleum.
  4. Garks: Dog suddenly clears his throat with loud and dramatic "gggaaaark, gggarrk" noises generally followed by prolonged "iiiksss" and then loud satisfied smacking noises. There is nothing on the rug. Don't investigate further, you don't want to know.
  5. Churn-eeees. Dog makes sounds reminiscent of a butter churn, or an old-style percolator (which also sounds vaguely like Darth Vader) More often than not, the dog will continue to "Churneeee", and will stand straddle-legged, looking at you with perfectly piteous expression--and about the time you reach your pooch.......the churning will stop. Completely, immediately, silently. The Dog, then, will say to you with its eyes: "I'm okay now, mom (or dad)"
  6. Silent but.....it's MINE!!!!!! Dog barfs silently, without warning, usually just as you are in your last frantic rush to get ready to leave for whatever you are running late for.....You throw up your hands in exasperation and make moves to get it cleaned up----FAST! Dog MOOOOOOOOOOS at you and bends down over the puddle-o-barf, protectively. In desperation, you let nature take it's course....think of it as 'reruns'......and hope that the carpet cleaner will take care of the spot when you get back.
  7. The After Dinner Puke This puke is distinguished more by timing than any other feature. The dog gorges himself and then proceeds to engage in the most exuberant play session of the day. Halfway through tuckbuttrun around the living room he abruptly stops to deposit a varying quantity of unchewed chow on the carpet. After properly chewing his dinner he completes his tuckbuttrun. The dog will usually spend the next ten minutes or so randomly making "pre-puke" noises just to see if you are paying attention. If you fail to give the dog your attention and some soothing words he will repeat the above procedure.

In all the above events, the dog is entirely healthy 95% of the time, and is indeed deeply pleased with himself.

I don't make 'em up, I just web page 'em.
created Wednesday, February 18, 1998


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