The Types of Dog Barf:
In all the above events, the dog is entirely healthy 95% of the time, and is
indeed deeply pleased with himself.
- Yellow Urka-Gurkas: Dog runs around the house and hides under furniture
while making a prolonged "uuuuuurka-guuuuuuurka, uuuuuuurka-guuuuuuurka"
noise. Note: this noise is the only thing guaranteed to wake up a true dog
lover who is hung over from a post dog show celebration at 3:30am. After mad
scrambling to capture the dog and drag him outside, the episode ends with an
indelible ten-yard line of limy yellow froth from the living room rug to the
- Ralphs: Apropos of nothing, the dog strolls into the dining room and waits
the dinner guests are all watching him. Then, with a single, deep, gut-
wrenching "raaalllf", disgorges the entire week's contents of his stomach on
the dining room rug. Variation: Then he eats it.
- Blap Disease: Dog exercises hard and (a) eats large mouthfuls of snow
(Winter Blap Disease) or (b) drinks a bucket of water (Summer Blap Disease).
minutes of returning inside, the dog spews out large amounts of clear, slimy
while making a distinctive "Blap" sound and sharp percussive noises as it hits
- Garks: Dog suddenly clears his throat with loud and dramatic "gggaaaark,
gggarrk" noises generally followed by prolonged "iiiksss" and then loud
smacking noises. There is nothing on the rug. Don't investigate further, you
don't want to know.
- Churn-eeees. Dog makes sounds reminiscent of a butter churn, or
an old-style percolator (which also sounds vaguely like Darth Vader)
More often than not, the dog will continue to "Churneeee", and will
stand straddle-legged, looking at you with perfectly piteous
expression--and about the time you reach your pooch.......the
churning will stop. Completely, immediately, silently. The Dog,
then, will say to you with its eyes: "I'm okay now, mom (or dad)"
- Silent but.....it's MINE!!!!!! Dog barfs silently, without
warning, usually just as you are in your last frantic rush to get
ready to leave for whatever you are running late for.....You throw
up your hands in exasperation and make moves to get it cleaned
up----FAST! Dog MOOOOOOOOOOS at you and bends down over the
puddle-o-barf, protectively. In desperation, you let nature take
it's course....think of it as 'reruns'......and hope that the carpet
cleaner will take care of the spot when you get back.
- The After Dinner Puke This puke is distinguished more by timing than any other feature. The dog gorges himself and then proceeds to engage in the most exuberant play session of the day. Halfway through tuckbuttrun around the living room he
abruptly stops to deposit a varying quantity of unchewed chow on the carpet. After properly chewing his dinner he completes his tuckbuttrun. The dog will usually spend the next ten minutes or so randomly making "pre-puke" noises just to see if you are paying attention. If you fail to give the dog your attention and some soothing words he will repeat the above procedure.
I don't make 'em up, I just web page 'em.
created Wednesday, February 18, 1998